I wanna have a tea party

But these mutha effin crumpets are killing me.

You wouldn’t know this, but I have been having a battle with crumpets for sometime now. I can’t get these guys to do the thing I need them to do. You know the thing? My descriptive words don’t help? Okay. I’ll start from the beginning.

If you live in the Seattle area or if you’ve ever visited the Pike Place Market, you might know about a wonderful little crumpet shop. They serve hot and fresh crumpets with a variety of toppings, scones, tea and coffee. It’s adorable and whimsical, like a small slice of Alice in Wonderland. The owner Rob is this tall, lanky, cheery, dedicated man who’s love for his job shows in all his interactions. I love this place. My favorite part is this window into their kitchen with a front-row-seat view of their griddle, where all the crumpet making magic happens. And they make it look so friggin easy. So naturally, I think I gotta be able to make it. I’ve got my trusty iron skillet, I got the metal rings, the starter, the will… fuckin three months later I still produce bull crap, smooth top, not-crumpet-lookin-mofos! And I’m MAD about it.

Look at this:

This is the finished product of perfection by Gary and Nancy Lasater, Rob’s parents. Look at those smooth sides and those exposed pockets, just ready for butter… Is it hot in here? *phew* That’s the Thing. And what the hell, why can’t I get mine to look like that. Whenever I make them, they stick to their rings and the tops never develop the pockets! THIS IS NOT AN ENGLISH MUFFIN. We’re not cutting this in half! We’re not popping this in the toaster! This isn’t brunch! It’s a goddamn tea party!

1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Thank you for coming to my rant.

The Crumpet Shop is “closed until further notice” at the moment. My heart is clenched and fingers crossed for this small business. Especially now that I’m crumpetless in Seattle. But in the meantime, I shall keep trying for the sake of the crumpet.